Just a glimpse.

Recently when I was in Christchurch I went back to youth group. The place where it all began. Almost 10 years ago I was a shy, insecure 14 year old who stepped into church for the first time. I didn’t know what to expect. I was anxious and self conscious, yet something in me began to stir. Hope, love and belonging started to awaken my heart. I saw a glimpse of something real, tangible and irresistible. It was the beginning of everything. A rollercoaster of discovering my worth, my voice and my place in the world. Now I’m standing in the same room and a friend is singing One Thing by Hillsong. Here’s a snippet of the lyrics:

“All I know is, everything I have means nothing,
Jesus if you’re not my one thing, everything I need right now
Because all I want is everything you are and nothing”

As I’m listening to these lyrics I keep thinking – I know this is true more than ever. Everything else means nothing, when my heart pursuit isn’t first and foremost for Him. At the beginning it was all about Him. It was His presence that changed everything, His presence that tore down the walls of my heart. It was His voice that told me I was worthy, His face that showed me I was loved. Yet somewhere along the journey, it got hazy. It wasn’t just about Him anymore, it was about me. Of course I told myself it never changed, but if I was brave enough to look deeper, I would have known it had. Fear and shame had entangled itself with me and the journey became about proving my worth and significance to Him.

I thought I was going to every service, prayer meeting and training possible because I just wanted more of God, but really I wanted to belong. I thought I was volunteering for everything because I was passionate about people encountering God, but really I wanted to be significant. I thought I was worshipping, praying and reading my bible because I loved Him, but really I wanted to be worthy.  I was fighting to be seen and heard. I was afraid of being overlooked, rejected and not good enough. Sure, from the outside it looked great. I was a passionate, dedicated, gifted person living their life for God. But the foundation was cracked. I was living life for God’s love, not from His love. A building isn’t stable when it’s built on a dodgy foundation. Eventually, it has to come down.

Nothing but Him.

Long story short, we moved to Whangarei. In the process I had to let everything go. I left behind my job, my leadership roles, my family and my friends. Everything that had previously made me feel significant and worthy was gone. There were no achievements for me to lean on, no reputation to help me feel good about myself, nothing but a clean slate. Nothing but Papa. No choice but to lean in to Papa. He had to be my one thing, my only thing. He had to be the source, my beginning and my end. It was a painful journey, but I would do it all again in a heart beat, because it has also been my greatest journey. How beautiful it is when God is your only option. How beautiful it is when you let go of fear, shame and performance, and you wholeheartedly pursue His face. It will change your life, it’s changed mine.

So I began this journey of finding myself in Him. I had to learn to receive, learn to be loved when I had nothing to give in return. I started to truly discover the depth of His love for me. I learnt about my unchanging worth and significance. I learnt that even if I did nothing else for the rest of my life, His love for me wouldn’t change. No matter what, he is immensely proud of me and crazy in love with me. I am forever worthy because of Him. Of course I told myself I always knew this, but if I was brave enough to look deeper, I would have known I didn’t.

I came alive again. I realised nothing compares to this love. Everything I have means nothing, if Jesus you’re not my one thing. My question to you is, do you want all of Him and nothing more? Is Papa God truly enough for you? If everything else was stripped away, how would you feel?

Lots of love to you all on this crazy adventure of life and love! Arohanui.

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