April 2, 2016
by Conor Seed
I’m Freaking Out.
Yeah I am. Totally freaking out. That’s not an over exaggeration. I really have been freaking out. We leave for Uganda and Thailand tomorrow. It’s our third time going to Uganda so you’d think I’d be used to this by now. But, if I think about it, this is the hardest pre-missions experience I’ve had. It’s not the travel that I’m worried about (I’m actually really excited to be going to some new places!). What I’m worried about is me, and all the things I’m going to be doing whilst we’re away: praying for people, talking with people, preaching and sharing, playing the guitar and singing, just to name a few. That all might not seem like much, but it certainly causes these questions to rise up:
Is what I carry what the people of Uganda & Thailand need? What if what I share totally doesn’t make sense? My singing really isn’t that good – what will people think? Will I put people off connecting with God? What if I don’t hear anything when praying for people? Will I be ok? Will I be accepted? Am I really enough?
The Land.
Last year, Emma saw a vision of a large piece of land. There was a few buildings on it, including a nice comfortable home for Emma and I. Then a hand came through and totally cleared the land – no more buildings! Just bare land, allowing it to rest and be restored of all it’s nutrients. Then a friend had the exact same vision but saw a little extra. Without any seeds being sown, new shoots began to grow. What had laid dormant, waiting for the right season, began to flourish.
We felt like the buildings represented the life we had built and the dreams of others we had served. There was nothing wrong at all with what had been built. For the season we had been in it was exactly what we were called to do. But the season was changing; God was about to clear away everything we had built and take us into a season of rest. Being restored. Finding ourselves apart from the life we could so easily rest on, the positions we held, the jobs we did. Finding a place of being, instead of a place of doing. And that’s where we’ve been up until just last week – resting.
Now the seeds have begun to grow on a restored foundation and fresh shoots are thriving. This foundation is one that He Himself had laid before the world began. These seeds are treasures hidden in us to be revealed at the right time, and that time is now. He’s begun to lead us and teach us His way of doing, growing and creating things. And it’s all from a foundation of rest – a place of being, before doing.
Trust.
In the past going on mission has felt much easier. I was able to rest on my own achievements – the buildings we had built. But this time that foundation doesn’t exist. There’s just a clear piece of land. There’s nothing to rest on. Nothing I’ve gained myself on which I can rely. Nothing. I feel empty, unworthy and of no value.
“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.” Mat 13:44
This chunk of nuggety goodness hit me last week as God reminded me of the vision of the seeds beginning to grow. He has hidden treasures in me that are only just now being revealed. I am the Kings son, and He let go of everything He had to win me back. Now all I have to do is trust that Papa knew what He was doing when He made me, He knew what He was doing when he was winning me back, and that He knows what He’s doing right now. He’s a good God with a good plan. And, even harder than all that, trust in myself. Trust that I am enough because He made me enough.
This foundation of being becomes the very platform from which I do things. Who I am is treasure, and therefore what I have to offer is treasure. My mission for the next three weeks is to trust in that truth. Trust in Him. Trust in myself. And when circumstances don’t seem to line up with it all, be as kind to myself as He is toward me.