March 14, 2016
by Conor Seed
Who Am I?
Whether it’s a listening ear, an encouraging word, fixing some form of technology, designing something, going the extra mile or simply being there – I love helping people. The likelihood is that you already know this because I’ve helped you. It’s a part of who I am. If you’ve ever heard of Love Languages, I’d say my top one is Acts of Service (you can find out yours here). Maybe it’s a God given gift. Maybe it’s because of my English heritage. Maybe that’s just how I was brought up. Maybe it’s all of the above! But one thing’s for sure – I love helping people.
As I’ve already shared, anxiety has been a big struggle for me the last year or so which made the move up north both exciting and intimidating. One of the biggest thoughts playing on my mind was having to make new friends and build relationships from the ground up again. That meant allowing myself to seen by others – I actually had to show up and not hide behind any masks. That was scary. Especially when it’s so easy for me to hide behind doing things for someone to win their affection.
Wait… what? The very thing that I use to show and receive love can be the very same thing I hide behind to protect myself from being seen, known and loved. And to build friendships I need to be seen, known and loved. But why don’t I want to be seen? I’ll answer that question with some more questions: what if they see me and don’t like me? What if they see me and don’t think I’m good enough to be their friend? What if I’m not enough?
How can I build friendships if I can’t do things for people to ensure they like me?
Thanksgiving.
November 24th 2015 – Thanksgiving Dinner. That was my first Thanksgiving celebration experience. We feasted on a whole roast lamb and played a Family Feud style game throughout the night (I can’t believe we lost!). For a few weeks I had been chomping at the bit wanting to get involved, do some stuff and help people, but I knew that I would be building relationships on the wrong foundation. I would be building from a foundation of fear – fear that I would be rejected if I didn’t do something to make people like me. But at Thanksgiving dinner God showed me a vision:
I was outside a mansion with Father God and we were going to a banquet. Each person had to bring something to share that was unique to them. And so I pulled out some drum sticks (I mean musical drum sticks… not chicken drum sticks) so I could play for everyone. God says, “Are you sure you want to take those?” Rather sarcastically I responded, “What do you mean ‘am I sure’? That’s unique to me. Of course I’m sure!” And then I thought about it for a second. God doesn’t ask questions He doesn’t know the answer to. So this time I asked (in a huff), “Well what do you think I should take then?”. Immediately he shrunk me down, put me on a plate, and took me into the banquet. I wasn’t expecting that!
“What are you doing God!?” His response stunned me. “You are enough. You don’t have to do anything. Simply be you, and that is enough.” WOW! This was so freeing. No longer did I have to do things to please people. He made me to be enough. In fact, I’m made in His image. How can that not be enough? I could assume that people want to be around me, instead of guessing they didn’t. I could assume that people would like what they see underneath the masks, instead of guessing they would reject me. I could assume that they would like me for me, instead of the things I could do for them.
I could show up, be seen and know that I am enough.