We are really big on validating emotions in our family. We really want Luka to feel like it\u2019s ok to feel sad and it\u2019s ok to cry. There is no shame in having big feelings. He doesn\u2019t need to shrink or reduce his response to life around him so that we can feel more comfortable. Because of this, I\u2019ve avoided phrases like “it\u2019s okay” and “you’re alright” because although both those statements are true and we say them in a well-meaning reassuring way, it also kind of says “there\u2019s no need to be sad\u2019\u2019. And who am I to dictate how he feels? I try to say things like “you\u2019re feeling sad. That bump to the head really hurt. I\u2019m right here with you. I\u2019ve got you.”
And I thought I was doing pretty well with Luka\u2019s big emotions – turns out I’ve still got some cr*p to work through!<\/p>\n
I\u2019m starting to realise that I\u2019m comfortable with Luka having big emotions if it is isolated to a specific event: nappy changes, getting dressed, being overtired, getting dry after a bath or hurting himself. I\u2019m all good to go with those. I can understand and sympathise. I know why he\u2019s feeling sad. There\u2019s some reasoning and logic to it all. So that’s what we’re working on right now – just another day in the Seed household embracing tears.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" We are really big on validating emotions in our family. We really want Luka to feel like it\u2019s ok to feel sad and it\u2019s ok to cry. There is no shame in having big feelings. He doesn\u2019t need to shrink or reduce his response to life around him so that we can feel more comfortable. Because of this, I\u2019ve avoided …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":605,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n
But if his emotions are unexplainable – apparently I\u2019m not so great at that. The last two weeks Luka has been sad A LOT. He\u2019s been unhappy playing independently during the day and just wanting to be held. Night time has been filled with tears, and sometimes it seemed like holding him close just wasn\u2019t enough either. Originally I thought it was teeth. After one particularly rough night, I was convinced I\u2019d see a tooth. But nope, nothing. Sore tummy from introducing solids? We stopped solids for a few days. Then he developed a rash – doctor thought maybe something viral? But he has no other symptoms. Maybe a growth spurt or ‘wonder week’? It could be all of the above or none. And I\u2019ve found it so hard not knowing.
Of course my Mumma heart wants to be able to fix it, because I don\u2019t want him to be in pain. But I also realised that I desperately wanted to know the reason for Luka\u2019s emotions. I needed them to feel legitimate for me to freely access compassion.
Legitimate.<\/em>
That\u2019s an interesting word.
It seemed to pop up in a recent counselling session too.
Turns out I characterise my feelings into legitimate and illegitimate.
I was a very sensitive child and teenager. I felt things deeply and there were definitely times where I felt like my emotions – and my tears – were \u2018too much\u2019. Not necessarily too much for my parents, but too much for society. No one likes a drama queen, right?
I\u2019ve spent a lot of time becoming friends with my emotions, friends with my tears. I can now love myself when I\u2019m sad instead of feel like I need to hide my tears. I can tell myself: it\u2019s ok to feel sad. It\u2019s ok to feel disappointed. It\u2019s ok to feel frustrated that that situation didn\u2019t turn out how you hoped. I\u2019ve come a long way with being comfortable with all of that.
But – SURPRISE – there\u2019s more layers. I can get comfortable with my emotions when I know it\u2019s \u2018reasonable\u2019 or \u2018acceptable\u2019 to feel disappointed about that certain situation. Perhaps I might feel more<\/em> disappointed, or cry more<\/em> than someone else might in the same situation, but it\u2019s \u2018<\/em>normal\u2019 to feel disappointed when something you were looking forward to didn\u2019t happen.
But perhaps I feel unseen or unloved by something someone said or did. I know that emotion is real, but logically I know that it is based on assumptions about someone else\u2019s motives. So I tell myself truth: it\u2019s not a reflection of you. It\u2019s not about you. They love you and care about you. I\u2019m sure they weren\u2019t meaning to make you feel unseen.
And this is great. It\u2019s so important to speak truth. Living a life making assumptions about others is just a recipe for resentment and bitterness. It\u2019s always a good idea to assume the best. And that\u2019s what I seek to do. I don\u2019t think I need to change that. I need to keep speaking truth to lies of insecurity and unworthiness that still seem to linger in my heart.
But, what if there was a step before that? What if before I went straight to speaking truth – I got comfy with that feeling. I\u2019m beginning to realise that I rush to flip the narrative because I feel like I\u2019m being a drama queen. “Emma – it\u2019s stupid to think like that. You know that\u2019s not true. You’re just making this situation about you. Not everything is about you. You\u2019re just being dramatic. You\u2019re overreacting. This is not a \u2018legitimate\u2019 feeling.”
Is that not just telling myself there\u2019s no reason to be sad? And am I telling myself that to remain positive? Or to avoid a feeling of shame?
For me, it\u2019s both. But shame is definitely there.
So I\u2019ve been thinking – is there really such a thing as an illegitimate feeling? Feelings are feelings. Maybe it\u2019s ok to get comfortable with all of them. Obviously, I\u2019m not saying that you should live dictated by your emotions. It\u2019s important not to get stuck in disappointment and sadness. You can still work through each emotion and end up at truth. But the journey is different – it\u2019s going through the emotion instead of around.
I\u2019m beginning to wonder that if I can accept the emotions that feel \u2018bad\u2019 and \u2018unnecessary\u2019, and shake off shame, perhaps it will be easier to accept Luka will have emotions I cannot explain – emotions I cannot divide into legitimate and illegitimate. There\u2019s only good. Only legitimate. I can sit with him in it. I can help him through it. I don\u2019t need to control it or \u2018fix\u2019 it, because often that just means finding an alternative route. I don\u2019t need to find things that will distract him from his sadness or frustration, I can be right there with him as he walks through it.<\/p>\n