On Monday, we will have been in Whangarei for six months. Half of me wants to rejoice, celebrate and shout it from the roof tops, yet the other half just wants to cry. Tonight the later is winning. The last six months has been a beautiful journey. It has been full of life changing revelations and encounters. There are so many wonderful things that I could celebrate, yet tonight my heart is clouded. It’s surrounded by a whirlwind of fear. I feel myself analysing and judging, wanting to critique the last six months. The desire to achieve and perform is tempting. Have I really done enough? I want to race ahead in my own strength, fix everything, make it all happen. It’s exactly how I was feeling when this journey first began, so I’ve decided to remind myself of what Papa showed me back then. Here we go…

Journal Entry – Week 1

I feel myself unraveling, like the thread on a top. Slowly coming away from what held it together, tight and stuck. I feel myself loosening. Freedom coming. Creativity coming alive. Mess being awakened. It’s a beautiful mess though, not one that needs cleaning up, but one that just needs to be let free. I feel You calling me to You. You grab my hand and spin me in circles. Twirling and twirling. My clothes jump free, dancing in the wind. Joy wells up inside, like bubbles. It’s popping all around us. Laughter breaks out….

Journal Entry – Week 2

Slow down my dear, slow down. Your mind’s like a whirlwind, worry after worry. You don’t need to rush ahead in your own strength. I’m right here, right now. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. My legs stop shaking and find steady ground. The wind comes and sweeps my tears away. I feel my mind go quiet. No more whirling of tired thoughts, just the peace of an open field. I see Papa there. He’s smiling. His eyes gaze deep within me. As I run towards Him, I feel my body tipping forward. My feet slowly slide off the edge of the bridge. My heart jolts as I’m falling through the air. The wind quiets my soul. It pulls me around, twirling, spinning, spiralling. It feels heavy and buoyant like it’s guiding my fall. I feel my whole being awakening, vibrating, screaming. The screams reach out into the air, until they are left behind. New sounds begin to leap out from the forest. The trees, birds and animals are singing. Sweet melodies wrap around me, vibrant and full of colour. I’m still falling, but there’s freedom at every turn. My heart is overflowing with peace and wonder. I feel myself slowing. I open my eyes and I am deep in Papa’s arms. I feel the warmth of His embrace permeating in to my body. As it warms, it fills with light. My skin is sparkling and glistening in the warmth of His affection. I feel my heart sink and relax, finding comfort in its home. It’s content. It falls asleep.

He will quiet you with His love.

When I start to freak out, wanting to run ahead and do it on my own, I remind myself of these moments. The moments I let go of expectations, performance and fear. I choose to fall back in to His embrace again where I find peace, wonder and never ending love. There’s no disappointment there, just quiet contentment. And the world feels okay again.

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